The Daily Poop

Damn I'm Good!

2005-02-05T13:13:00.000-05:00

The Latvian Menace rears its ugly head again.

“Online banking victim files suit; $90,000 lifted from account traced to Latvia”

I hate being right all the time.

Love Poops

I love women!

2005-02-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

Just got done watching "A league of their own", and I feel so proud of those plucky broads. There is nothing better than an uplifting movie like this one. Something that makes woman feel empowered. Woman should feel good about themselves, and not take any guff from men. Maybe later I will watch "The First Wives Club". But for now I am heading out to the titty bar to get me some, and god help the wife if she doesn't have dinner on the table when I get home.

Love Poops

ughh...

2005-01-25T10:30:00.000-05:00

All this bad weather has gots me down, so instead of an true entry I have more of a question.
Why can't life be more like a Chuck Mangione song...All good feelings and flugelhorns?

melancholically yours,

Poops

Shakespeare is rolling over in the grave

2005-01-21T11:46:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh, the forgotten joy of Mad Libs.

"To be, or not to boot, -- that is the boob;Whether 'tis nobler in the spork to sufferThe slings and cubits of homely fortune,Or to take geeks against a sea of nerds,And by duking end them. To die, -- to run, -- No more; and by a run to say we end The turd and the 1287 natural shocks That flesh is senator to,-- 'tis a poop comely to be wish'd. To die, --- to run,-- To run! perchance to fart! ay, there's the runt; For in that run of death what goats may come When we have ran off this smelly coil, Must give us toe...."

Love,
Poops the bard.

Telemarketers!

2005-01-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

The only thing worse than the Latvian Menace...Telemarketers. But As usual I have solved the problem. Apparently When you tell them that the only way you will give them money is if they talk dirty to you because you are frantically masturbating, and you wouldn't have even answered the phone except that you already had the cord wrapped around your neck, they hang right up. Who woulda thunk it? Now I realize that the Franciscan Brothers need all the money they can get their hands on but come on...Timing man. Thank god for auto erotic asphixiation...

Love Poops

Thank You

2005-01-20T10:05:00.000-05:00

Thank god for days off! I have been lucky enough to spend the last two days doing almost nothing. Well other than drinking martinis, and making mix cds. Im actually still in the process of doing both. Well three things if you count the sitting here naked except for one black sock. And I suppose I can only call them martinis in that I let the giant martini glass of vokda look at a jar of olives. There's just something about drinking naked, listening to Hootie and the Blowfish Sing "goodbye girl" thank brings a smile to my face.

And I have discovered the show Coupling. Possibly my new favorite show to watch...naked. I actually laughed so hard at one point that brownie pieces shot out of my nose. And while this is not a pleasant feeling, I have found one good thing out. Now I can fart all I want and all I smell is brownies. Well I am sure thats enough disturbing imagery for you, my loyal sublects. And in the words of the immortal Greaseman...It's Martini Time

What a bunch of Crapo

2005-01-17T13:12:00.000-05:00

I am not to sure of politics in general...other than the Latvian Menace. And don't let the smiling broads fool you. But as I was saying I generally stay out of politics. But perhaps Websites like Senator Crapo's are costing us all a little too much money. And anyhows, no matter how much you explain how to say the name we are still going to call you craphead.

That is all.

Finally!

2005-01-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

Finally after months and months of heartache, something good happens...Courtney
Love regains custody of Frances Bean. As I read that story I actually shed tears of joy. I realize that my loyal subjects think I may be a cruel man, and I refuse to even acknowledge the thought. I can't express in words how happy I am that yet another celebrity child is on the slippery slope to porn. Oh the joys of celebrity downfall.

At first I thought that I would have no one to look forward to after Ashley Olsen (or is it Mary Kate). I watched as she dropped weight quicker than Michael Jackson going through dollar bills at a Boy scout meeting. And I hoped that one day she too would become another Dana Plato. Different Strokes: The Story of Jack & Jill...And Jill , the next generation. But where to turn after that? Well I can rest easy because there is now Frances "my moms a crackho" Bean. Guess that will teach Courtney to mess with Dave Grohl. Looks like god punished her.

Love Poops

Career advice I can get behind.

2005-01-15T08:21:00.000-05:00

“Management consultant William Fried told eighth-graders at Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School on Tuesday that stripping and exotic dancing can pay $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size.”

This is an actual quote from a speaker on career day. I realize that most people would be horrified and were I not such a scumbag I probably would too. But finally someone gives some worthwhile advice to the poor little bastards. I remember career day when I went to school. And since I have started working I have yet to become a firefighter, CEO, or president of the country. I realize I have my titles to fall back on but that isn’t the point. If someone had leveled with me when I was younger and told me to practice saying “would you like fries with that?”, perhaps I wouldn’t be so bitter about life now. No one in their right mind would tell a bright eye child that the world needs ditch diggers too. And I feel that the future drug addicted, single mothers of America can use this advice to their advantage. When these girls turn eighteen (or when they convince the guy who owns the titty bar that they are eighteen) I for one will be there to support both their habit and their children. You will see me there in the corner with the creepy look in my eye and the rolled up dollar bill clutched in my sweaty hand.

Love Poops

How I spent my Xmas vacation.

2005-01-14T14:21:00.000-05:00

Well now that I have gotten the appropriate distance from the whole thing I believe I can fiinally relate the tale. First and foremost while I still loves the Nyquil, I have realized that this is a dangerous road to go down. And overall Vodka and cheap wine are more economical. For the first few days of vacation I realized that even after all these years, that there are still new and interesting ways of scratching. Again thank the vodka and cheap wine. Now you might think that this alone would be a fulfilling week. But then when you add boxes of porno to the equation it would generally make a truly memorable time. Or it would if it weren't all so damn fuzzy.

And also I have to give kudos to Verizon. As much as I am against product placement I have realized that sometimes it is warranted, (and necessary if I am to keep myself in cheetos and pabst). The wonderful people at verizon provided me with high-speed internet. Internet that allowed me to access live naked woman in a heartbeat. Now if I could only figure out why the keyboard seems to be sticky. Anyhows. The fine folks at Verizon also have the freedom plan...Unlimited Local and Long distance calling. You know what that means. That not only was I able to harrass people in the continental US and Canada, but I was even able to do it for free! People will still fall for that prince albert in a can thing...Fools!

Now I realize how wonderful this all sounds...but there are dangers to beware of. For instance. You cannot combine Chianti, BagelBites, Popcorn Chicken, Little Smokies, and Captain Crunch. Well you can but trust me it doesn't taste as good the second time. And no matter what you think, nudity and flaming shots do not mix either.
Well thats all for now.

Love Poops. ( Just because I didn't use it does not mean you should not use my full title)

And may we present...

2005-01-14T13:26:00.000-05:00

So here is a quick update...hopefully more will follow soon. Through a complicated series of underlings, I have recently secured the title of Lord Baron Poops Magee. I have done this in hopes that I would be able to gain more support in my fight against the dreaded Latvian Menace. In addition I have also received various other titles such as Mystical Philosopher, The Very Esteemed, Starets, and finally Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality. I realize this may come as a shock but I truly felt these titles were not only necessary but also well deserved. And just to clarify they have nothing to do with the recent drinking binge and the ensuing charges on my credit cards from the Universal Live Church.

Thank you my loyal followers.
The Very Esteemed Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality Starets Mystical Philosopher Lord Baron Poops Magee.

P.S I expect to be addressed properly at ALL times.
Thank you again.
Still The Very Esteemed Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality Starets Mystical Philosopher Lord Baron Poops Magee

Like the lingering fart that puffs up from the carseat when you sit down, I return

2004-12-13T11:01:00.000-05:00

Well sweet Jebus it’s finally happened…someone wrote to me to tell me that I don’t update enough. And the miracle is that it wasn’t even someone who knows me. I don’t think. But this doesn’t matter. Because of this person who was brave enough (or more likely bored enough) to come forward I will try to stumble forward. Plus it’s one more person who I might be able to convince to join me in the fight against the damn Latvians!

Well This will be all for now but watch for more in the days to come, as I will be digging through all the tin foil hats that I have surrounded myself with. After all, one can never be too careful. Okay well perhaps I am exaggerating a little. I will be tearing myself away from my porno and cheese curls but the end result will be the same…..My triumphant return to doing it in the Pooper!

Peace out!

Word Yo!

2004-12-12T18:56:00.000-05:00

Mad props to my little brother for turning into a teenager...welcome to the wide world of pubic hair

Don't tap on the glass

2004-09-11T14:21:00.000-04:00

What is it about walking into a store that makes people stupid? I desperately want to believe that these people don’t go through there entire lives being stupid but I also am smart enough to know that in fact they are that stupid. I can tell by just looking at them while they are trying to remember what foot goes next.

As usual I am at the Hotel California (the store where I work), and I just can’t figure it out. There has got to be a way to help all these poor bastards out. I know it isn’t going to make much difference but if any tips I can give will help even one person…my day might not be as difficult.

First things first…Yes we are smarter than you. Any good salesperson will be smarter than the general public. We also loathe the typical customer that enters our store. This is a dangerous and volatile combination for you the consumer. In other words don’t look us straight in the eye or show teeth…we might attack.

Second, and this is an important one. The back room is not for you. I realize all the signs and ropes blocking it off make it tempting but trust me when I tell you to stay out. You can only get hurt going back there.... it’s where we keep the monsters.

Third and possibly the most important. No we cannot do any better, and yes this is the best price. Should you be so dumb as to poke the monkeys with the stick, I guarantee we will take the stick and shove it right up your pooper. And we will make you thank us for the pain. Many salespeople have become experts at punishing the customer.

So when we say hello to you as you enter the store, say hello back. We really don’t care whether you are just looking around or buying. We are simply trying to be polite. If we offer you a deal that seems great just take it. Do not think that you are going to be the customer who outsmarts us and gets a bigger discount, because unless you are an attractive woman wearing no shirt it is not going to happen. Remember that we are more smarter than you are dummy. And lastly, be nice. Even stupidity can be excused by being cordial. Everybody loved “Forrest Gump”

Well that’s all for now. I have to go wipe my tushy with a customers purchase before they come to pick up.

Love Poops

Oops

2004-09-11T13:01:00.000-04:00

Ok so it's early. Just started to get work and the day is already shot. And it isn't like I am just being my nromal gloomy self. Today can get no better. And why is this you might ask yourself. Well allow me this once to answer a question with a question. At what point does what seem like a harmless little fart change its mind and become something else? That will be all.

Love Poops...a name that is all true

Ready to take a chance again....

2004-09-10T16:26:00.000-04:00

Okay so here I am again. I realize that I should post once a day or even once a month but I believe I have finally mustered enough anger over something that I need to write. Due to the deep depression over my inability to stop the Latvian Menace, and also the fact that I am horribly lazy I will try to get back my somewhat loyal following of nobody.

Now you might ask, "Bubba, what are you so all fired up about"...well here it is. NyQuil. And not even specifically the nyquil but the lack of my emerald maiden that is ticking me off. Here I am trying desperatly to start a hobby and I finally find one suited to myself...Alcoholism. And don't start with that whole it's a disease or addiction crap. There is no such thing as addiction. I simply smoke and do all the blow because I like it. But I digress. While on the hunt through various websites, I have found that there is not one drink that uses nyquil as an ingredient. WHY??? I found millions of recipes for making nyquil, but thats a pale imitation of greatness....Sort of like Mike Tyson as of late. And it's ok my minions, I am so far off the radar ole mikey won't ever find me. California is a really big state so I am safe. But why, in a world where you can just go and pick up a Vanilla Ice CD, can I find not a drink with nyquil.

I will keep trying but I suppose this could be an important entry also...When they asked what happened. "Everything was fine until he added the Nyquil"

Love Poops

Yick!

2004-07-03T11:16:00.000-04:00

Okay so I realize now that I have a problem. Actually I have more problems than I could ever hope to count, but I mean a specific problem. I am not sure how to solve the problem but at least I know the cause. That would be the Hotel California, also known as the mall in which I work.

Now as much as I hate to admit it…I see naked people. I think I have become so bored that as a distraction I have started to picture customers naked. The problem with this is that they aren’t the customers one would want to imagine naked. Nope it’s the Mennonites. And not even the young ones…I’m talking the ninety-year-old women with the mustaches. No wonder I can’t sleep anymore at night…

More on this later,

Love Poops

I'm back!

2004-07-02T12:46:00.000-04:00

After too long away I am back. The Latvians almost got me though…they made it look like pneumonia, but I know the truth. Regardless of the reason though, I needed to take some time off to get better. I need my health to fight the Latvian Menace.

Now you might be asking yourself what I was doing with myself or more to the point, to myself, but I will have to tell you the sad truth. Not one kitten was killed during my time off…not a dolphin flogged. No chicken choked. You get the point. I realized just how sad my life has become when I decided to do nothing but play my new videogame. A sad, nerdy, role-playing game. I really wish I could say I did more but nope…video games. I sat for hours at a time, moving only to go to the bathroom, or to jam more goldfish into my mouth. Perhaps this isn’t really me though…maybe it’s all part of the conspiracy to get me out of the way. Nah, I’m just lazy and shiftless. But in my time off I have discovered that heaven does exist…. and should I be so blessed, someday I will get to experience it myself. Heaven is lying naked on a leather couch, with the air conditioning set to 60 degrees, wearing one of those helmets that hold the two cans of your favorite beverage, and an ammo belt filled not with bullets but tubes of chocolate chip cookie dough. Well I am off to plan how to get my friends out of their house for a night, as they have air and a leather sofa.

As always,
Love Poops

2004-06-27T18:59:00.000-04:00

Yes it's a sad thing...but I never cared for kittens.

People are stoopid

2004-06-26T13:28:00.000-04:00

What is it about going into a store to buy something that turns people stupid? I have been to one or two store in my life and feel pretty comfortable with the whole process. Well maybe not the store itself as I realize that no matter where I go when I leave the house that people are staring at me. It isn’t that I’m paranoid but I know that they are watching me. But as far as the shopping itself I think I am pretty good. I ask whether they have what I want, if they do I ask the cost and then pay what they are asking. Not the morons that come into my store.

The main reason I work here is to get a penthouse letter. It’s a slow job and I generally work alone so this is the perfect scenario. “Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me but…” and you can imagine the rest. Well maybe not but the rest of the fantasy involves three women, a trapeze, two tubes of tollhouse cookie dough and one of those horses you would ride as a kid. You know the stick with the horse head on it. But I digress. Take today for instance. I get to work at nine and open the store at ten. These hours are posted and seem to be pretty self-explanatory. My first duty of the day is to drop the kids off at the pool and then after that I prepare to open. But before I can get to the front of the store I hear banging on the back door. I open it up and there stands a customer. When I ask what he wants he responds by telling me that my front door was locked. I explain very slowly that the reason for this is that I don’t open for another half hour but he says that since he is here he should not have to wait. I didn’t really feel all that bad about closing the door in his face and walking happily to the front. After 20 minutes he shows up around front asking if I am open yet. He is asking this, by the way, from the other side of a locked gate. I felt no real need to answer this. I make him wait until the last possible moment, and then allow him to enter the store. After he informs me that I am rude, he proceeds to as me whether I carry any beanbag chairs. Just to explain, I work in a mattress store…not a beanbag chair in sight. This is the best customer of the day by far.

From what I can tell, the next problem is price tags. I think that I wrote them out right but clearly I mistakenly put “or best offer” somewhere that only the customer can see. And it seems that no matter how you explain it people just don’t get it. I do not deal. Now here is the part where I will give you a little advice. When you go into a store to buy something big that you generally do not know much about, be nice. Do not hassle the salesman, as this will only anger him. We will get even with you, stupid customers. And not only will we get even with you but we will do it in a way that you will thank us for. I say this because you think that you are asking for an extra discount. What I hear, however, is “ Mister sales guy, would you please rub your butt on my mattress before you load it up for me?” All of this is alleged by the way. Don’t what the bosses getting scared. Heeheehee.

Well more on this later, I see another victim coming right at me.
Love Poops

2004-06-22T21:57:00.000-04:00

I think this says it all for today

It’s not a bird or a plane…. well it’s not a plane anyway.

2004-06-18T11:28:00.000-04:00

Well I couldn’t stay away. After having been flooded with fan letters (most of which contained frilly undergarments), I have decided to post once again. I realize that I am at risk due to the growing Latvian threat but I, The Mighty Poops, have risked life and limb in the pursuit of truth, justice, and amateur porn! Okay well I got bored and thought I would write again, but I do so love a good nudie website! I think that is time to let you in on another one of my little secrets, so gather round boys and girls.

I believe that in times of great need and/or crisis, we all have within ourselves the ability to unlock the unused parts of our brains. By doing this we can give ourselves a little push towards making the world a better place …we can even become a Superhero!
Now I know you are saying, ”Billy Joe, you are a dang fool with your comic book stories”, but it is the truth. I know this because I have been given the power. I have been given…The Wiggle (this is where the dramatic music is suppose to be going off in your head).

It was a dark and stormy night. The kind of night where you can feel a bit of magic. Okay well maybe not magic…maybe it was the all you could eat chicken gizzards at the Golden Corral restaurant. But whatever it was, as the wife and I were approaching our home, I realized I felt a powerful force working within me. And I knew that I would not be able to get to the bathroom in time to save myself the embarrassment of soiling yet another pair of my beloved irregular dungarees. With a heavy heart and a quivering colon I rushed from the car as we pulled up to the house and scrambled to the door. I ran to the bathroom knowing that there was a chance I could make it but I realized that I would never be able to fumble my belt off in time. With but a second left to spare I gave an unconscious shudder and to my shock and delight the pants were off, as if the hand of The Almighty decided to take pity on me. Not having had time to fasten the seat belt I held on for dear life, knowing that should my hands slip I would be propelled through the ceiling to my doom. As a side note, the Golden Corral has thankfully closed. It would seem to be a matter of common sense but I could never resist the lure of a 3.95 all you could eat “fillet minyan” night (no it is not a misspelling…it’s what the sign allegedly said.).

Once I was done, I began to realize I had been given a gift… The Wiggle. I was once again happy as a schoolgirl, as time after time I let my pants fall. I am not sure of the entire process but I have somehow been granted the power to cause my hips to get mystically smaller with an almost imperceptible shake of the lower half of my body. Whatever it is, it is truly a wonder. No more do I have to suffer when I enter the house on a hot day. Where once I would have to struggle with sweaty denim now as quickly as I can close the door, the pants almost melt off. No more do I have to try to look seductive while taking off a pair of pants before naked time. I am now a power unto myself, for I am the master of…The Wiggle (cue music and maniacal laughter).

Well that’s all for now friends, but remember…get it in the pooper at least once a day.

With all the love I can muster before a hard day of work,
Poops

Cursed Latvians!

2004-06-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

"buses, vans, street and railroad cars, synthetic fibers, agricultural machinery, fertilizers, washing machines, radios, electronics, pharmaceuticals, processed foods, textiles" ---From the CIA's World Fact Book

These are the listings for Latvias main industries, but what is missing you may ask? MILK! That's right, milk. That's the key to this whole thing with Latvia. They want the worlds milk. They won't tell you this of course but that's because they are devious milksuckers.

I decided that I along with most other people in the world am prejudiced. But I also decided to turn the prejudice against the smallest country I could find that peo;ple would still know. For one, this will keep me out of trouble with my fellow countrymen ( plus I realize that I am outnumbered and cowardly). The problem with my little plan, is that i discovered what truly dastardly fiends these dirtly Latvians are. I am also putting myself at great risk by writing this, but I love my adoring public so I thought I should make you aware of this problem.

I realize you are asking yourselves why the milk, but thats the truly evil part. Everyone is afraid of terrorist plots but nobody realizes how awful it would be to pour a bowl of fruity pebbles into a giant mixing bowl, grab a serving spoon, but then discover that there isn't a drop of milk to be had...OH NO! I think they might be bugging this line...I will return later
Beware the milksuckers
Love Poops

I knew it!

2004-06-17T09:37:00.000-04:00

Well it's finally happened...I knew it would all along but the damn latvians are at it again. I know they are trying to make it seem like an innocent community service but I know the truth!
www.lvnc.org...It's all there for you to see.

More on this story as it develops...

As always love Poops.

Take off the shoes she says...

2004-06-16T20:40:00.000-04:00

Okay I'm back. Well let's be honest, I'm not entirely sure who I am talking to, but eventually the two people who are bored enough to waste their time reaing this will be very happy to hear that I am back. The wife and I just come in from a good dinner. I take the obligatory poop ( god that word cracks me up!), and then after I finish up, I get nekkid. It is quite warm after all. But as I was wearing baggy shorts, I could do my little wiggle and off come the clothes. I will explain the wiggle at a future date. Anyways back to the main story. So I get nekkid but see no real point in straining myself, so here I sit. In all my glory...and a pair of new balance sneakers. If you, my reading audience knew just how funny looking and not quite skinny I was you would find this pretty troubling. And for the few of you who do know me...good luck getting to sleep tonight.

To be truthful I love to be naked...hate clothes. Well I do have an affinity for pirate shirts and pretty much anything out of the International Male catalog, but seeing as how I an neither gay nor pretty my wife refuses to let me get either. She apparently isn't all that keen on the idea of me in a kilt either. The trouble with the whole naked thing is everybody else. I actaully think it isn't that I shouldn't be able to be naked whenever I want...I truly believe it is all a devious plot to keep me from one itoa of true happiness ( naked time) being perpetrated against me by those damn Latvians! But much like the wiggle that will have to wiat for a future time. Well I suppose that's all for now. I am off to play Xbox...Naked....with just a pair of sneakers on.

Yours truly,
Poops

It goes in, it comes out...

2004-06-16T14:51:00.000-04:00

Pinching one out shortly...