The Daily Poop

Finally after months and months of heartache, something good happens...Courtney
Love regains custody of Frances Bean. As I read that story I actually shed tears of joy. I realize that my loyal subjects think I may be a cruel man, and I refuse to even acknowledge the thought. I can't express in words how happy I am that yet another celebrity child is on the slippery slope to porn. Oh the joys of celebrity downfall.

At first I thought that I would have no one to look forward to after Ashley Olsen (or is it Mary Kate). I watched as she dropped weight quicker than Michael Jackson going through dollar bills at a Boy scout meeting. And I hoped that one day she too would become another Dana Plato. Different Strokes: The Story of Jack & Jill...And Jill , the next generation. But where to turn after that? Well I can rest easy because there is now Frances "my moms a crackho" Bean. Guess that will teach Courtney to mess with Dave Grohl. Looks like god punished her.

Love Poops

This is an actual quote from a speaker on career day. I realize that most people would be horrified and were I not such a scumbag I probably would too. But finally someone gives some worthwhile advice to the poor little bastards. I remember career day when I went to school. And since I have started working I have yet to become a firefighter, CEO, or president of the country. I realize I have my titles to fall back on but that isn’t the point. If someone had leveled with me when I was younger and told me to practice saying “would you like fries with that?”, perhaps I wouldn’t be so bitter about life now. No one in their right mind would tell a bright eye child that the world needs ditch diggers too. And I feel that the future drug addicted, single mothers of America can use this advice to their advantage. When these girls turn eighteen (or when they convince the guy who owns the titty bar that they are eighteen) I for one will be there to support both their habit and their children. You will see me there in the corner with the creepy look in my eye and the rolled up dollar bill clutched in my sweaty hand.

Love Poops

Well now that I have gotten the appropriate distance from the whole thing I believe I can fiinally relate the tale. First and foremost while I still loves the Nyquil, I have realized that this is a dangerous road to go down. And overall Vodka and cheap wine are more economical. For the first few days of vacation I realized that even after all these years, that there are still new and interesting ways of scratching. Again thank the vodka and cheap wine. Now you might think that this alone would be a fulfilling week. But then when you add boxes of porno to the equation it would generally make a truly memorable time. Or it would if it weren't all so damn fuzzy.

And also I have to give kudos to Verizon. As much as I am against product placement I have realized that sometimes it is warranted, (and necessary if I am to keep myself in cheetos and pabst). The wonderful people at verizon provided me with high-speed internet. Internet that allowed me to access live naked woman in a heartbeat. Now if I could only figure out why the keyboard seems to be sticky. Anyhows. The fine folks at Verizon also have the freedom plan...Unlimited Local and Long distance calling. You know what that means. That not only was I able to harrass people in the continental US and Canada, but I was even able to do it for free! People will still fall for that prince albert in a can thing...Fools!

Now I realize how wonderful this all sounds...but there are dangers to beware of. For instance. You cannot combine Chianti, BagelBites, Popcorn Chicken, Little Smokies, and Captain Crunch. Well you can but trust me it doesn't taste as good the second time. And no matter what you think, nudity and flaming shots do not mix either.
Well thats all for now.

Love Poops. ( Just because I didn't use it does not mean you should not use my full title)

So here is a quick update...hopefully more will follow soon. Through a complicated series of underlings, I have recently secured the title of Lord Baron Poops Magee. I have done this in hopes that I would be able to gain more support in my fight against the dreaded Latvian Menace. In addition I have also received various other titles such as Mystical Philosopher, The Very Esteemed, Starets, and finally Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality. I realize this may come as a shock but I truly felt these titles were not only necessary but also well deserved. And just to clarify they have nothing to do with the recent drinking binge and the ensuing charges on my credit cards from the Universal Live Church.

Thank you my loyal followers.
The Very Esteemed Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality Starets Mystical Philosopher Lord Baron Poops Magee.

P.S I expect to be addressed properly at ALL times.
Thank you again.
Still The Very Esteemed Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality Starets Mystical Philosopher Lord Baron Poops Magee